Thursday, March 21, 2013

Race Reflections: Madeleine Hsu

Hi.  I've been hiding from my blog this week.  A few of you have noticed my absence and have asked why I haven't written about my race for Madeleine yet.  The truth is, I'm having a really hard week...anger wise.  I'm so angry that this happened.  Most of the time, it feels so surreal that something this horrific happened in my home town that it's easy to pretend that it didn't happen at all.  Most of the time.  But when I showed up to my race on Sunday, one of the people that organized the Warren Street St. Patrick's Day Classic was waiting for me.  She knew that I would be there that day and found me when I was signing in at the check in table so that she could say hello.  We spoke about Madeleine.  How she looked like a doll in all of her photographs.  Such a perfect little face.  And it stirred up not just the sadness for her loss, but the anger for it as well.

I'm so unbelievable angry.  And that's why I've been staying away.  Because I don't want to talk about how badly I want to physically hurt the person that took Madeleine away from whatever she was going to become in this life.  Or how tempting it would be right now to hurl expletives into the sky and smash my keyboard into the desk. 

I will never do him the honor of ever speaking his name.

So here I am, eating granola.  Listening to Sarah McLachlan on my iPhone.  Trying to control my vocabulary and focus on that gorgeous little girl that I ran for this weekend. 

Such a beautiful face.  What was she going to be?  Who was she meant to marry?  What was her great contribution to society going to be? 

Would she have come home one day with pink hair just to test her parents boundaries?  Started a rock band?  Or would she have fallen in step and gone the straight A's route and lived to shine in the classroom?  Not that she couldn't have done both....if given the chance.

I felt Madeleine with me on Sunday.  In the same sort of way that I felt Charlotte.  No strange flash or vision.  But on my last mile I was talking to her in my head and I just felt a shift in my energy level.  Felt a lightness and a push to go faster, run harder.  Us girls need to stick together.  So I thanked her, out loud, as I crossed the finish line. 

"Thank you Madeleine.  I needed that extra push."


Here is Madeleine Hsu.  The sixth angel that I have now run for.


  1. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I kind of wish I could feel anger. I am so crushed by the sadness. My heart is just so broken. I feel like anger would be kind of a refreshing break from the neverending tears.

    Don't you just love Madeleine's headband? And the butterfly on her shirt? I wonder if she picked them out herself. So sweet. I'm glad to hear that you can feel their presence when you race!

    Thanks for posting even when you don't want to! I really like to read these and think about these beautiful kids. It's kind of weird to miss someone you never even met...

  2. <3

    I know that feeling of of being crushed by saddness well and I wish I could take it away for you. From everyone.

    I miss them all the time too, and I say the same thing. It is so strange to miss someone you've never met. But it feels like such an unbearable loss anyway. And even though we've never known them, they are always in our hearts.